I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
