she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
