a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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