I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
