one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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