I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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