my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
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She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
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She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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