So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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