ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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