Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
