getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
