He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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