Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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