I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
