I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
