Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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