I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
