i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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