how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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