"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The uberlube is also flammable
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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