Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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