you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
