Non-Jews are for practice
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
