I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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