When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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