Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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