yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
