nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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