we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
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