I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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