she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
