gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
