Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
