I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
