Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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