Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
