No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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