i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
