I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
