i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
