then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?