the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It happened again.
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016