my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I have already put on my inside pants.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
