did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
There's always time for handjobs
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
