So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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