Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
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You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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