I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
