I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
