I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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