I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
