I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
