he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
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please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
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I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.