Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
This is classic penis vs brain.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
