John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.