Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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