yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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