I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
