Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Also, beer. Big fan.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
