You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
