Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
