Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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